boysit seems like i cant go a damn day without someone aggrivating the shyt out of me. its usually my "mother" but now my aunt has decided to join the bandwagon..well lets just say i told her a smaaaall peice of my mind and dont plan on saying a damn thing to her for a looooong time. how i wish n pray i could find a job and get my own place..and leave these fucking ppl i call family alone. move out and never return. dont give em my address, change my number and live my life however i want. go back to school, become a great success and prove all these MFers wrong. cuz apparently all i wanna do is sit on my ass all day..after almost a year of looking for work..in two different fucking states mind u. so its not like im not trying cuz ia m..but because there are no reults its all my fault. fuck all of em for that shit. im so done..half the time i wonder if livingon the streets wuld be so bad...shower at a friends house..pitch a tent in a park somewhere..id have internet cuz i doubt she'd pay the $200 to cancel my phone...hhmmm not a bad idea for realz now that u put some thought into it...altho homeless isnt a cute look but i might find some kinda happiness away from them all..half the time i jus wanna end it so theyll feel bad but its too selfish of an act and i dont wanna out my friends thru that.
ugh fuck life!
so lately i have been feeling quite depressed, and out of it. my "father" (mothers ex husband) has been living with us for the past 5 months in my room while i sleep out in the living room. its like he has no intention of leaving and that really pisses me off because i was the one who tried to make sure everyone was ok after he left and be strong for everyone..i have yet to cry or really feel anything besides anger (altho im not angry at what he did, but moreso how he is acting while he is temporarily staying here). i was always that person to be strong for everyone else...i dont get to let out emotions, it shows a weakness and vulnerability i cant afford to let people see. not to mention im quite unhappy with myself physically. i feel so fat and unattractive and like ill be alone forever. dont get me wrong, i can put up a good front acting like i have a huge ego and that "im the shit" but in reality i am sad, and angry at myself...i used to take knives to my arm and scratch at it till i would draw some kind of blood. and i almost did again tonight..after 6 mos, i almost relapsed. and the fact that im really considering it is a bit scary, but a feeling all to familiar. <especially if uve read my previous posts>
why cant i find the strength to open up, or cry or at least speak to someone..a confidant..a friend i know wont go talking about my business. i want to be able to.. i watch tv shows <yea yea i kow its fake> of groups of friends who can sit and talk about things on their mind..i want that for me. i want to be happy and confident but every day waking up in the living room, not being able to use my walk in closet, nor sleep in my bed, nor put my stuff down and find it where i left it jus slowly cuts me, like water erodes the earth..so do these things. i awant to be able to walk down the street <preferably on my way to a job> and feel like im really the shit..instead of having to put on a facade and pretend to be. i realy wish the knife i have by me was sharp enuf to atleast put some good scratches in my wrist. oh an dplease do not e that me talking about "cutting" is not me looking for attention...i have no one to talk to so i write it out here.
ok, so after like weeks almost months of not seeing one of my "best" friends..<im not sure if that title is stil in effect cuz well, i dont hear from them ever> but ne way..so we stop by his job for just a lil bit and were like so u live around the block form us why do we never see u? and he is like i work 11hr days, then i got to the gym with my bf then go home n sleep..andso i dropped a lil math on him..and there were like 4 hours left in the day after sleep work n all that stuff was added up and im like even 1 hour once in a while wuld be kewl....then my friends had to catch a train so we left...that night i msged him on facebook askin wat he was up to sat night cuz i wanted all of us to go out and like get a drink or something..very satc style and he doesnt respond..so im like whatever..then on twittr he is all like "n I see the light, if ur in a relationship, u can't b friends wit someone dat likes u"..and i was a lil thrown off cuz..ok..in high school, like 4 years ago i had a lil crush..it wasnt anything big..just one of those crushes that u get over in a lil time..and now im so over it but sometimes i jus feel like he thinks thats still the case..like dude, ur not the only thing out there. and so i dont know what to do or say cuz at the end of last year we were playing never have i ever and he was going off on me with the questions...never have i ever thought that because im <nationality> im better than everyone..never have i ever had a crush on a best friend.....and im lik, but you knew all that already..besides the me thingking im better than everyone..cuz i dont..most the time im so self conscious and ddepressed that i put on the facade for when i go out..jus like ..well..a socialite would. but ne way..so now he is in this relationship wit some boy and me as well as my other friends are like..where is he...and the part that hirts the most is that i didnt hear a damn thing from him about my 21st bday...it is one of the biggest things to me and even when i saw him he didnt say anything.
most the time i feel like im the only one he doesnt respond back to.cuz when i would text him..nothing, but as soon as my other friend texts him,he gets a response in like 3 mins...wtf!!! im so over it, like i dont understand why he is still in the past thinkin im crushin when half the time im not even thinkin about him. like really..is ur ego tht big? i dont wanna be mad at him but im kind feelin that way. and as soon as i get my phone back, and everything in my life keeps on gettin bettr ima let him know that..but jus not directly..ima classy bitch and i do things so nicely and so quietly you woundlt even realize till it was over
when i get <if i get> a txt from him..i wont answer..ill read it then delete it...if i get a call or voicemail i wont answer, ill listen to the msg then delete it. yes it sounds very immature but i would like for ppl to feel how i feel when they do these things to me.
so here is my public announcement.. "Mr R, im over it..it was in high school. crush is loooooong gone..when i was away to skewl i wasnt thinkin bout it, when i cam back, it didnt even cross my mind. it old news..pre historic news..its older than dinosaurs and the universe. so please get over yourself and thinking thats the case.cuz i got mor important things in my life to work on and to worry and think about than you. your still my friend, dont get me wrnog, this is just tough love."
yea, should be a very happy occassion right?...well i just might be alone for my bday... which sucks..but im gonna put on a mask and make it work for me.ill prob go to a lil spot i the city and grab a drink or two..or how much i can afford at the time. what a way to turn 21 right? not to mention my mother ex husband <my biological father> is back in the house cuz none of his family will take him in..he sleeps in m room, eats up all the food and tries to act like we owe him something..also, since yesterday he has been leavin to go see the slut he was fucking behind my mothers back. ugh, me coming back is not as epic as i wanted, i was supposed to have my nice newly renovated room <with a cute walk in closet> to myself, fix it up to my liking and find work n live! <n go to skewl> but thats def not happening right now..cant find work cuz i have to stay at the house to make sure he eats..altho now since he is goin to see the tramp i have the afternoons off. so im gonna get tht stuff done and hopefully ill get a bday present..like a job calling me back for once....life..how nice right?
altho it culd be worse..im still alive n well.
